My Girlfriend
P.A. Baines

My girlfriend is so cool.

Did I mention her? No? Well she's funny and smart and real beautiful, but she's not your classic beauty. She's more interesting if you know what I mean. Like, she'd never win a beauty contest or nothing. Her profile is maybe Greek or Slavic. I dunno, but I think she's real pretty--especially her eyes.

You should see her eyes. They sparkle like the stars on a really clear night. I've never seen color like that before. They're sort of greeny, bluey, yellowy orange. And they change color depending on what mood she's in. I told her she's got beautiful eyes. They went green. She likes it when I say nice things. She said she'll let me live when the time comes. And she's funny.

She makes me laugh all the time. She's always kidding around and saying funny stuff. She gets this serious look on her face and then says weird things about invasions and world domination and stuff. Then her eyes sparkle and she smiles and kisses me on the cheek with her garlic breath. Did I mention she likes pizza?

Well she doesn't. She loves pizza. More than anything else she likes pizza with loads of pineapple. She can eat two Big Momma's Genuine Original Pizzas straight off. No lies. She can eat more than me and the people in the next car put together. We always go down to the drive-through in my rusty old pick-up because she's real shy and doesn't like people and prefers to eat in the car. She does this neat thing with her mouth where she opens it real wide, sort of like a snake swallowing a mouse. I told her she needs to be careful or she'll swallow me whole. She joked that she just might. I laughed and laughed while she stroked my hair. Did I mention her hair?

It's like, wavy and smooth and real shiny. It flows around her shoulders and never gets mussed up. One time we went swimming in the river late at night and she came out and shook her hair and it was dry and looked like she'd just brushed it. She said it was a special conditioner she gets from back home, which is the same place she gets her make-up. Another time I touched her cheek because she had a pizza crumb on it, and my finger went in right up to the nail and she screamed and jumped back and rubbed the make-up until it was fixed. I asked her if she still loved me. She said of course she does. I was her little bunny and she would never hurt me even if the rest of the planet was wiped out.

One time I asked her where her home was and she said it was a long way away. I guess she comes from the coast or something. I asked her how she got here and she said she flew in her own craft. But the nearest airport is yonks away. I asked her where she kept her airplane. She said safe and patted her pocket. She's funny. Did I mention that? Sure I did. And smart.

Much smarter than me anyhow. I know I don't have more than a handful of brain cells to rub together, but not her. She's always finishing my sentences for me. It's like she knows what's going on inside my head. One time I was thinking about asking her to go to the pizza place and she said yes, let's get a pineapple pizza before I even said anything. She was looking at me real intense-like with those beautiful eyes, like she was looking through me. I asked her how she did that and she said she knows me so well. I want to marry her someday.

Well I never really had a girlfriend before, you know? Stoondia is my first. Cool name, huh? Even her name is beautiful. I asked her what it means and she said it was a royal name given to a princess who conquers a planet. I laughed but she looked so serious. Her eyes sparkled and turned that orangy color like they do sometimes. I touched her arm and she smiled with her big pointy teeth and said I was like her little pet and that she would have a collar made for me--a big leather collar that I could wear all the time while she rules the world from her palace in the clouds.

And she's not easy like some other girls. She's still a virgin, just like I am, which is cool. I told her and she said it was rare to find a pure adult male these days. She said she had looked and looked a long time before finding me. I told her I wanted to wait for the right girl, you know? Sure it sounds old-fashioned, but I think it's important.

Of course when we're married, I want to have kids. I want lots of kids. I was an only child and my folks went and died when I was real young. We were on this trip and I was left all alone in a strange place, so I sorta raised myself and learned how to hide and not attract attention. I missed having brothers and sisters, you know? I want a big family so they will never be alone like I was. I haven't asked Stoondia yet, but I will. Although I think she knows already. It's like she can read my mind.

Yeah. A whole brood of kids would be real nice. I just wonder if they'll inherit my tentacles.

~~~~~ <~

P.A. Baines was conceived in the US, born in England, raised in Africa, and currently lives and works in the Netherlands where he writes COBOL programs to pay the bills. Married with two teenage children, his main aims in life at the moment are to be published and to get a good night's sleep. His job title says "analyst/programmer" but he would like it to say "author". He has been writing on and off for some time now but recently got serious and threw himself into seeking publication.

His Christian Speculative Fiction novel "Alpha" reached the semi-finals of the Marcher Lord Select contest in 2009. His short story "Mars Deep-Crust Mine ZB203-South" is scheduled to appear in the October issue of The Cross and the Cosmos ( His thoughts on writing from a Christian world view and on life in general can be found at

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